“For lo, I am with you always”. Matthew 28:20  /    “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own  understanding”. Proverbs 3:5.

These are the two scriptures that I kept repeating to myself last week during a recent hospitalization. When an illness struck, I asked to be taken to the emergency room of the hospital that has all my records. I was so sure that they were going to treat me and send me home that it never occurred to me that I was sick enough that they would keep me.

This hospital did not have a good reputation according to friends and  acquaintances. This is the hospital where my husband died. This is the hospital where my father died. People had said to me that if I had taken Pervis to a different hospital, his life might have been saved. I always felt that his condition was serious enough that the outcome would have been the same no matter where I took him. so I was mostly confident of my choice. Same with my father. I saw how hard the staff worked to save his life.

Still, I had this nagging doubt once I was admitted there. I was awake all night worrying and  wondering if I had made the right choice. Suppose I came in with something minor  and they made a mistake that would cost me my life. Suppose all the detractors were right and I had come to a hospital with an incompetent staff.  Suppose I came out of the hospital more ill than when I went in.

The two verses that I started this entry with were my only comfort during that long worrisome night. I kept repeating them to myself and doing what we are supposed to do when we face an uncertain outcome. I put my Faith in God who is in charge of everything, including the doctors and nurses in this much maligned hospital. I felt better, though I still could not sleep. I tried to not lean into my own understanding because my own understanding was confused, at best.

I made it through the night. The next morning, they started testing me to get to the bottom of what had caused my illness. Test after test, until the realization dawned on me that they were leaving no stone unturned to diagnose my condition.  There was still the worry that someone would read a test wrong. I realized that they worked in teams and had to come to agreement about test results, so that made me feel better.

I am so blessed! All my tests came back with good outcomes and what had brought me there was a temporary condition that would pass. Now, I have my own experience with the hospital. When anyone makes a negative remark, I can recount my positive experience. I am so thankful to the doctors and nurses for their care of me. My daughter also reminded me of people who had been saved in this hospital.

I did not have to worry about PJ. As I mentioned before, he lives in a group home most of the time now. For the first time in 37 years, I could concentrate on myself during an illness. We parents of children with disabilities take care of them “in sickness and health”.  Sometimes we don’t take good enough care of ourselves. I pray that you have someone to lighten your load when you are ill. I pray that you remember to care for yourself along with all your other caregiving. I pray that the PJ Foundation maintains the funds to help parents in need.

My scriptures that have always comforted me are still my comfort. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”.  Psalm 46:1

Until next time; May the Love of God enfold you;  May the Power of God protect you.

Claudreen Jackson